Email comments and suggestions for future films to: jeff_brisbin@hotmail.com Perhaps they will one day be deemed worthy by yours truly and be given a chance to spread their wings and soar like a majestic eagle.
I am incredibly handsome, devilishly charming, brutally intelligent, and unceasingly humble. I am months shy of 30 years of age and am frequently told that I behave as though I am 7 and a half. My interests include potty humor and cheap liquor. I daydream about sacrifice flies and have been known to routinely put away over a pound of beef (with a dozen or so slices of bacon for flavor) before noon. ...Sorry, ladies. This catch has already been reeled in. C'est la vie, senoritas.s.
All mp3s are for educational, informational, & entertational purposes only. If you like a song, please buy that cd at a locally owned, independent shop or from the artist's website. If you own the rights to a song posted here and would like it pulled, it will be done swiftly and with much grovelling. Enjoy.
11.22.05
With every holiday season comes a slew of movies aimed at filling the minds of adorable kids everywhere with items they MUST have beneath their tree (or menorah... or kwaanzaa thing ...hey, I'm hip to that). That's what children's movies are all about now: massive cross-promotional campaigns designed to empty the pockets of as many parents as possible. I think it's disgusting.
That said, I've come up with a cla$$ic $tory that could be u$ed to make a buttload of ca$h for any major movie $tudio looking to pay me a healthy fee:
Tuesday & Magnolia
Essentially a re-telling of the boring old tortoise and the hare story, but coated in a computer animated shine and bursting with attitude and fart jokes! It can't lose.
Our hero is Tuesday the turtle. She's a slow and steady kind of gal who is constantly being harrassed by a swaggering and boastful rabbitt named Magnolia.
It's a beautiful summer morning (cue "Mr. Blue Sky") and Tuesday is soaking in the morning sun, when Magnolia begins her daily taunting. It doesn't take long before a challenge is issued. Tuesday, tired of the abuse, accepts. There will be a race.
Tuesday gets off to a slow start (cue "Turtles Have Short Legs") and Magnolia stops frequently to poke fun. After a few barbs are thrown (work your magic, witty writers of kids' films!), Magnolia takes off, easily gaining a massive lead on our slow protagonist (cue "I've Got A Secret (Plink Plank Punk)"). While in the lead, Magnolia takes a break to witness a gathering of ladybugs enjoying a quiet meal (cue "Ladybug Picnic").
Meanwhile, Tuesday has met up with a hysterical, sarcastic, gaseous bassett hound named Rufus (cue "Beware Of The Dog"). Needless to say, Rufus will serve as the comic relief (hopefully Martin Lawrence will be available) and should offer up a veritable plethora of witty catchphrases and marketable trailer-worthy quotes.
In the end, Magnolia is far too cocky and allows her huge lead to be overtaken by our strong-willed and focused Tuesday. Maybe Tuesday can save her rival from some precarious situation, as to teach children about good sportsman/womanship (cue "Help" ). In the end, Tuesday wins the race and all is well.
The soundtrack is suitable for adults, as well. Enjoy.
(Movie studio execs: I accept cash as well as checks.)
Hey Hey You Say - pApAs fritAs
Mr. Blue Sky (E.L.O. cover) - The Delgados
I've Got A Secret (Plink Plank Punk) - Norman Paris
Ladybug Picnic - Elizabeth Mitchell
Beware Of The Dog - Georgie Fame
Theme For The Young At Heart - Bonnie "Prince" Billy
Everybody Into The Pool - Chris (Corky from TV's "Life Goes On") Burke
Help (Beatles cover) - Dolly Parton
To view photos from the 5th Annual Brian Venn Memorial Wiffleball Tournament, please click HERE.
(we finished 2nd.)
